How Do I Comfort My Friend After a Miscarriage?

Miscarriage is a loss like no other. It is a commonality that no one expects to be a part of, yet nearly one in four pregnancies results in a miscarriage.

In some cases, the miscarriage news is made public. In other cases, you may not have known the couple was expecting — and thus why so many couples and individuals suffer in silence.

Should you find yourself in a position knowing that a friend or loved one has suffered this type of loss, keep the following in mind.

1. Know what not to say: While your comments may have good intentions, they may also make things worse. Avoid phrases that begin with “At least..” like “at least you weren’t far along” or “at least you already have a child.” Or cliches like “it’s just not your time” or “everything happens for a reason.” And don’t ask when they plan on trying again.
2. Know what to say: This may be easier said than done, but even a simple “I’m here if you need to talk” can go a long way. Or a text or phone call, letting them know you’re thinking of them — when your friend is ready to talk, they’ll call back.
3. Validate their feelings: Whether the miscarriage occurred at six weeks or 26 weeks, their baby, loss, and experience are valid. They are allowed to grieve in their own time and way.
4. Ask how to best support them: Your friend may just need a shoulder to cry on or could use some help around the house. Whatever it is, if you have the means, we’re sure it would be appreciated.
5. Allow them to grieve on their terms: Just because someone seems like they might be doing OK, they may be facing a battle internally. Follow their cues for how you can best support them physically, emotionally, or both.
6. Consider sharing your own story: If you personally have gone through a miscarriage yourself and your friend is open to the discussion, some may find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.
7. Do something personal for them: This may mean offering to provide a homecooked meal or a small gift to brighten their day.
8. Still invite them to things: While they may not be up for different events or kid-related activities right away, allow them to make that decision. It may be more painful for them to feel as if they’re not welcome. Instead, gently let them know of the event and be understanding if they decline.

Don’t Forget About the Baby

Every person is different, and thus no reaction to a miscarriage will be the same from one person to the next. One thing for certain is that your friend will not forget about their child. Acknowledge your friend’s baby and check in on them around important dates (the anniversary, their due date, Mother’s Day, awareness days or months). While you may not be able to erase all the pain, being a supportive friend can make the grief journey more bearable.